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It’s just a world wind of bollocks. 

I’m just
having some quality time today with my panda collection- someone stole Kim, but
I still have Kourtney, Khloe and Kendall. I’m also wearing my favourite
T-Shirt, which I bought in NYC recently for $3.

Ok so I
decided to take notes throughout the week so that when I come to write this
drivel, it’s a lot easier to pour my heart out, rather than tappety type myself
into a world wind of bollocks. Here are the notes that are gonna knock JK
Rowling off the top spot as one of the world’s famous writers:

Buzzy Bee

Mints

Asshole
song

Miles threw
up

 

So there
you have it guys, I truly do live life to the max. Actually, the only note that
makes my brain think it doesn’t know what to think is the ‘mints’ bit. I do
like a good mint, but I haven’t been to any chinese restaurants recently so I’m
not sure what that is referring to. 

I went to
Norwich a couple of weekends ago. I went through a phrase where going home was
such a drag, but I’ve reached a turning point where I find myself tearing up as
my mum gives me a fiver at the train station and I make my journey back to
London. 

I bought
the bizzy buzzy bumbles game for work. It’s an intimate affair, involving
magnetic plastic bumble bees and little balls of pollen. My life has come full
circle where Hasbro and Smirnoff have joined up. I also bought Kuplunk
(Kudrunk) and Buckaroo (I thought fuckaroo sounded funny, but it sounds way
more kinky than I intended, so it’ll have to be ‘Buckaroo and Vodka’). All of
this hilarity comes after my boss appointed me, ‘Director of Fun’, which
involves enticing colleagues out for a midweek pint. Needless to say I’m
excelling myself.

What else
was on ma list? ‘Asshole song’- I went to see STEVIE MARTIN’S BOYFRIEND’S (girl
knows how to puncuate fo’ real) comedy show at the Udder Belly. Their sketch
group is called, Wit Tank. It was really funny. I ate a bunch of salty nuts
that evening too, which erked me (erked? Is that right?) because they were
£2.50 and I wish now that I had saved some for a snack. Poiint being, we all started
chanting ASSHOLE to a rather catchy and rhythmic beat.

So aside
from the greatest mystery of our time about THE MINTS, I guess that’s all the
hullaboo for you, for now.

I went to
the Grump Club with ‘Ed The Second’, and his friend John, on Thursday. We
started at the French House, which is one of my most favourite bars in Soho. It
only serves half pints, and the lady who works at Gerry’s bar works there too.

On Sunday I
spent the day with JP. We had dinner and drinks and then went to see, ‘Mad Max’,
which is a really confusing film if you have zero context beforehand. It was
cool though and reminded me that I really fancy Tom Hardy. I ate way too many Rolos.
I dumped the left over sweets on my fireplace, and then finished them off for
breakfast.

Things I am
thinking about:

The
weekend. Mainly because YOLO but also because I’m excited about seeing THE BAND
CALLED, ‘Sticky Fingers’. They’re so good and Gina and I whole heartedly agreed
that we don’t want them to release anymore music because we wouldn’t be able to
handle the AWESOMNESS. Other things… lemme rattle my head… I’m going to buy
some posh peanut butter tomorrow because I just ran out of cheap stuff. This is
a long time coming and breakfasts are being taken to the NEXT LEVEL. Oh, I
booked to go to Paris to see Claws and Ali AND I had a dream that I won
festival tickets to go see Artic Monkeys and then I got told I had to snog a
girl on the back of a bus if I wanted to win and it really freaked me out so I
woke up and went to work.

Well, that’s
over and OUT for now my little snuppet puppets, I leave you while I go watch
SATC, whilst I’m eating a piece of egg on a bread.

I’m sorta sat here at work kinda chest- pumping to ‘Me Against the Music’ by Britney and Madonna- ‘I wanna get in the zowwwwwnnn, I’mma takaa you owwwnnnn.’ You know that jam. ‘Let me see ya, I wanna see ya.’ Christ, some lyrics really are crap aren’t they? 

Soooo since getting my hair cut in Soho, I then went back and got it highlighted for a very reasonable £60, but I definitely said ‘please destroy my hair and make it white, thanks sah much.’ He didn’t, he did what every good hairdresser does, and subtly made my hair look as thought I’d sat in the sun for a day or so. How quaint for the other life Jenny. This other life Jenny probably also has savings, a drivers license and nice nails. THIS JENNY IS TRASHY AND WANTS TRASHY HAIR THAT SUITS HER TRASHY LIFESTYLE. Flipping hell. Anyways, so now my hair looks nice and I’m a bit down about it. 

On the upside, me and Gee are starting our radio show this Sunday. Y’all choon in now, y’hear? I don’t wanna hear any of this, ‘I’m not bothered about you or Gina’ or even, ‘Who are you? Leave me alone’. Excuses excuses! You gotta listen. I don’t wanna fob you off with the wrong website address, so just go onto google, search soho radio, then kerplam, you’re in it to win it. So Sunday, 2pm. Don’t be late! If you’re late I won’t ever know because I’ll be miles away and it’s more of a voice thing, but the guilt will drive you insane and you’ll get 6 months in prison for it.

On a lighter note, Percy Pig has got friends. Two of them to be exact. A sheep-cow and a cow-sheep. Not sure which is which, but the cow is coca cola flavoured and the sheep is really fluffy and cute and according to Gina looks like a placenta. Yum!

So I’m chowing down on Percy Pig, moo moo cow and placenta sheep, but later I’m going to eat Broccoli and rice.

Oh yeah I joined Fitness First. Wrote that as Fitness Fist first then giggled then was like oh god i’m horrible, fist is a normal word why would that make me giggle?

So the gym is cool, went to Body Attack on Monday with Gina at 7.15. Yes 7.15 kids, I plan to have a body so darn slammin, y’all gonna be like woah and i’ll do that ‘progression’ selfie thing. Probs won’t to be fair. I have one of those bods that looks great in clothes but naked it’s more like Salad Fingers from Youtube. 

Gina right this very second: ‘Omg my hair is full of milk’ (she spilled it this morning, it’s now 5.10pm)

Me (not really arsed, trying to type this): Oh yeah, haha…

Gina: No look! It stands up by itself!

Jesus Gina, have a wash child. 

Nah, in her milky defence there aint no shower at work. I’ll scrub her down when we get home, pre broccoli.

Gerry, Gina and I are going to IKEA soon to act out scenes in those pre made rooms. It’s going to all be about sustainability, then we’re going to get arrested and thrown out. The pandas are cool with it but the golden elephant CBA and is going to hold the fort. We’re going to text Jonie when we’re on our way home so she can make some sandwiches for our arrival. Cool beans.

On Tues (two weeks ago) we met up with the loverly Coley (Gina’s homey) and went to Vogue fashion parties. This sounds very glam but it required a lot of walking about. We took selfies and drank lots of cocktails and queued for a copy of Vogue.

I went to see my momma, not last weekend but the one before (where DOES the time go?)… that was all kinds of fun and I met the new cat she’s got called Jet who is CAAHUTTTEEEE and I wanted to squeeze him very hard and I couldn’t because I would crush his skeleton and I can’t imagine for a second my mum would be too happy about that.

Oh yeah, fucking Gina right. Yesterday she crept up on me whilst I was washing my face in the B-room, then THIS MORNING at the gym as I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, she decides to push her face up against the opaque glass wall of my shower, which made me scream. I hate her so much.

Gina’s been painting a room at work called ‘The Snug’. It’s where we all chill and breakout creatively, and when I saw her handy work it was like looking at the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, props to you and high five and big hug and hand shake to you ma friend.

Sooooo Gina’s eloped with Michelangelo, milk and all. I’m just here, writing my blog, waiting for tidy-up-time (do you remember at school you used to put your chairs on your table and I used to sing, ‘it’s time to tidy up time’. But this one time at time to tidy up time some bitch, who I can’t remember the name of now, stole my cool strawberry lip salve that my mum bought me from ASDA after I waited for like a year before I could wear ‘makeup’ (note to everyone, yes my mum is a bit retarded and would constitute lip salve as makeup) DURING time to tidy up time because I was an overpowering child whereby I voluntarily went around making sure everyone has sufficiently tidied up. While the cat’s away eh? Not sure that fits there, but it’s a sad tale, one I’ll never forget.)

Future plans? Well now, tomorrow is Thursday and then by some madness it is then FRIDAY which means I might see SARAH who BAILED on me last weekend, so that’ll be nice, won’t it? Then Saturday Gina and I and loadsa people from work are going to Nikki’s (accounts lady) wedding bash. We’re going to dress up and look well good. We’ll put loadsa piccies on FB if ya want and ya can be like mergod Jenn looks right nice. 

I’m also sorry/ guilty for not taking better pictures for the blog. It’s because I’m lazy. But here’s one of me looking at Gina as she looks at me, taking a picture. It’s like inception or voyeurism or quinoa or something… 

To finish on, Gina and I now have a set of drawers from IKEA that we put our underwear in. 

I’m sorta sat here at work kinda chest- pumping to ‘Me Against the Music’ by Britney and Madonna- ‘I wanna get in the zowwwwwnnn, I’mma takaa you owwwnnnn.’ You know that jam. ‘Let me see ya, I wanna see ya.’ Christ, some lyrics really are crap aren’t they? 

Soooo since getting my hair cut in Soho, I then went back and got it highlighted for a very reasonable £60, but I definitely said ‘please destroy my hair and make it white, thanks sah much.’ He didn’t, he did what every good hairdresser does, and subtly made my hair look as thought I’d sat in the sun for a day or so. How quaint for the other life Jenny. This other life Jenny probably also has savings, a drivers license and nice nails. THIS JENNY IS TRASHY AND WANTS TRASHY HAIR THAT SUITS HER TRASHY LIFESTYLE. Flipping hell. Anyways, so now my hair looks nice and I’m a bit down about it. 

On the upside, me and Gee are starting our radio show this Sunday. Y’all choon in now, y’hear? I don’t wanna hear any of this, ‘I’m not bothered about you or Gina’ or even, ‘Who are you? Leave me alone’. Excuses excuses! You gotta listen. I don’t wanna fob you off with the wrong website address, so just go onto google, search soho radio, then kerplam, you’re in it to win it. So Sunday, 2pm. Don’t be late! If you’re late I won’t ever know because I’ll be miles away and it’s more of a voice thing, but the guilt will drive you insane and you’ll get 6 months in prison for it.

On a lighter note, Percy Pig has got friends. Two of them to be exact. A sheep-cow and a cow-sheep. Not sure which is which, but the cow is coca cola flavoured and the sheep is really fluffy and cute and according to Gina looks like a placenta. Yum!

So I’m chowing down on Percy Pig, moo moo cow and placenta sheep, but later I’m going to eat Broccoli and rice.

Oh yeah I joined Fitness First. Wrote that as Fitness Fist first then giggled then was like oh god i’m horrible, fist is a normal word why would that make me giggle?

So the gym is cool, went to Body Attack on Monday with Gina at 7.15. Yes 7.15 kids, I plan to have a body so darn slammin, y’all gonna be like woah and i’ll do that ‘progression’ selfie thing. Probs won’t to be fair. I have one of those bods that looks great in clothes but naked it’s more like Salad Fingers from Youtube. 

Gina right this very second: ‘Omg my hair is full of milk’ (she spilled it this morning, it’s now 5.10pm)

Me (not really arsed, trying to type this): Oh yeah, haha…

Gina: No look! It stands up by itself!

Jesus Gina, have a wash child. 

Nah, in her milky defence there aint no shower at work. I’ll scrub her down when we get home, pre broccoli.

Gerry, Gina and I are going to IKEA soon to act out scenes in those pre made rooms. It’s going to all be about sustainability, then we’re going to get arrested and thrown out. The pandas are cool with it but the golden elephant CBA and is going to hold the fort. We’re going to text Jonie when we’re on our way home so she can make some sandwiches for our arrival. Cool beans.

On Tues (two weeks ago) we met up with the loverly Coley (Gina’s homey) and went to Vogue fashion parties. This sounds very glam but it required a lot of walking about. We took selfies and drank lots of cocktails and queued for a copy of Vogue.

I went to see my momma, not last weekend but the one before (where DOES the time go?)… that was all kinds of fun and I met the new cat she’s got called Jet who is CAAHUTTTEEEE and I wanted to squeeze him very hard and I couldn’t because I would crush his skeleton and I can’t imagine for a second my mum would be too happy about that.

Oh yeah, fucking Gina right. Yesterday she crept up on me whilst I was washing my face in the B-room, then THIS MORNING at the gym as I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, she decides to push her face up against the opaque glass wall of my shower, which made me scream. I hate her so much.

Gina’s been painting a room at work called ‘The Snug’. It’s where we all chill and breakout creatively, and when I saw her handy work it was like looking at the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, props to you and high five and big hug and hand shake to you ma friend.

Sooooo Gina’s eloped with Michelangelo, milk and all. I’m just here, writing my blog, waiting for tidy-up-time (do you remember at school you used to put your chairs on your table and I used to sing, ‘it’s time to tidy up time’. But this one time at time to tidy up time some bitch, who I can’t remember the name of now, stole my cool strawberry lip salve that my mum bought me from ASDA after I waited for like a year before I could wear ‘makeup’ (note to everyone, yes my mum is a bit retarded and would constitute lip salve as makeup) DURING time to tidy up time because I was an overpowering child whereby I voluntarily went around making sure everyone has sufficiently tidied up. While the cat’s away eh? Not sure that fits there, but it’s a sad tale, one I’ll never forget.)

Future plans? Well now, tomorrow is Thursday and then by some madness it is then FRIDAY which means I might see SARAH who BAILED on me last weekend, so that’ll be nice, won’t it? Then Saturday Gina and I and loadsa people from work are going to Nikki’s (accounts lady) wedding bash. We’re going to dress up and look well good. We’ll put loadsa piccies on FB if ya want and ya can be like mergod Jenn looks right nice. 

I’m also sorry/ guilty for not taking better pictures for the blog. It’s because I’m lazy. But here’s one of me looking at Gina as she looks at me, taking a picture. It’s like inception or voyeurism or quinoa or something… 

To finish on, Gina and I now have a set of drawers from IKEA that we put our underwear in. 

Guys i’m like really sorry I haven’t like blogged in like ages pls don’t hate me i’m like lazy innit.

I’m listening to that song Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and eating hummus and soup with chicken in it. Innit.

Soooooo… good news in the land of Jenn and all things great- I’m gonna host my own radio show! Not sure what to call it yet but it’s on Soho Radio and I’ll let you all know nearer the time when it’s going on air etc. I think i’m gonna do my own poetry and then play some Nina Sky. It’s a strong concept with an edgy undertone.

My poetry is coming along nicely too. Here now, lemme free style for y’all.

What shall I poet about (can you use the word poet in that way?)

Poeting…. poeting… ok I have one.

Rivita lasts for ages
And Nelly Furtado is great
My T-shirt is for 5 year olds
Gina is my mate

See? It’s symbolic of my transition from Uni student to established writer woman that openly chooses to eat cardboard with beige lentil slop. 

My hair is in a bun bun today.

I might go to Pitchfork festival in October. It’s really reasonably priced and it makes me sound cool etc.

Well what about it then Jenn? What has been happening wit cha? I hear nobody cry… well I went to the comedy night for ladies who are funny (they have a way catchier name than that but I can’t remember it right now) with Gina to see her funny sister Stevie. It was great and we got free benefit makeup.

Last night I ate guinea fowl pie and lots of red wine.

I’m going to see my mum on Saturday.

I designed a logo for my sister’s dietician advice class thing.

Lately i’ve been a bit too tech savvy for my liking. I keep updating my software on my laptop and my phone. You know you get those notifications telling you to update yo’ shit? And you never do? Well I did, and now everything’s muffed up. Should have stayed exactly where I was in the software world. My iTunes is having a mare too- it’s gone and downloaded loadsa audio books. I love an audio book but when i’m bumping my rump to Lil Jon, it’s a little distracting… 

‘FROM THE WINDOWS TO THE WALLS, THE SWEAT DROPS DOWN MA BALLS 

Dumbledore whispered, under his breath.

’

I got my hair cut by a nice hairdresser in Soho. It’s supposed to be FIFTY BLOODY POUNDS but he’s new so it was only £25. 
Oh I’m going to Marry Tod Doyle. It’s been decided. We’re going to sell pots and pans and everyone’s gotta be naked at the wedding. Potato.

So I’m excited about the future. Halloween is just around the corner and so is the radio show. Software is bumming me out however, but i’m a grownup and I know that life is all about peaks and troughs.

I’m wearing a well cool red jumper that I bought from Cow vintage in Manchester when I went to see my sister, which makes me happy. 

This picture shows my current state. A homemade carrot and hummus wrap. It’s disgusting but i’m trying to be healthy. I’ve eaten one everyday at lunch this week. The carrot batons are all kind of dry and stale too. The hummus is nice though. 

The picture makes me sad. I want to look like Mary Kate Olsen. Why have I scraped my hair back? I look like a worm with chicken feet for hands. 

hkjahdkjahdjkahdkadhakdhakjhdkjhjhhhhd hhshshjsjhjhdka hgjhahhsjjshhs shhhshshshhs a s  ak

^ I wrote this about two hours ago and I dunno what that’s all about ^ Musta leant on the keyboard. Or maybe that’s mermaid language. I’m pretty sure i’m part mythical beast. I was thinking a unicorn but i’m not a big fan of horses.

Guys i’m like really sorry I haven’t like blogged in like ages pls don’t hate me i’m like lazy innit.

I’m listening to that song Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and eating hummus and soup with chicken in it. Innit.

Soooooo… good news in the land of Jenn and all things great- I’m gonna host my own radio show! Not sure what to call it yet but it’s on Soho Radio and I’ll let you all know nearer the time when it’s going on air etc. I think i’m gonna do my own poetry and then play some Nina Sky. It’s a strong concept with an edgy undertone.

My poetry is coming along nicely too. Here now, lemme free style for y’all.

What shall I poet about (can you use the word poet in that way?)

Poeting…. poeting… ok I have one.

Rivita lasts for ages
And Nelly Furtado is great
My T-shirt is for 5 year olds
Gina is my mate

See? It’s symbolic of my transition from Uni student to established writer woman that openly chooses to eat cardboard with beige lentil slop. 

My hair is in a bun bun today.

I might go to Pitchfork festival in October. It’s really reasonably priced and it makes me sound cool etc.

Well what about it then Jenn? What has been happening wit cha? I hear nobody cry… well I went to the comedy night for ladies who are funny (they have a way catchier name than that but I can’t remember it right now) with Gina to see her funny sister Stevie. It was great and we got free benefit makeup.

Last night I ate guinea fowl pie and lots of red wine.

I’m going to see my mum on Saturday.

I designed a logo for my sister’s dietician advice class thing.

Lately i’ve been a bit too tech savvy for my liking. I keep updating my software on my laptop and my phone. You know you get those notifications telling you to update yo’ shit? And you never do? Well I did, and now everything’s muffed up. Should have stayed exactly where I was in the software world. My iTunes is having a mare too- it’s gone and downloaded loadsa audio books. I love an audio book but when i’m bumping my rump to Lil Jon, it’s a little distracting… 

‘FROM THE WINDOWS TO THE WALLS, THE SWEAT DROPS DOWN MA BALLS 

Dumbledore whispered, under his breath.

’

I got my hair cut by a nice hairdresser in Soho. It’s supposed to be FIFTY BLOODY POUNDS but he’s new so it was only £25. 
Oh I’m going to Marry Tod Doyle. It’s been decided. We’re going to sell pots and pans and everyone’s gotta be naked at the wedding. Potato.

So I’m excited about the future. Halloween is just around the corner and so is the radio show. Software is bumming me out however, but i’m a grownup and I know that life is all about peaks and troughs.

I’m wearing a well cool red jumper that I bought from Cow vintage in Manchester when I went to see my sister, which makes me happy. 

This picture shows my current state. A homemade carrot and hummus wrap. It’s disgusting but i’m trying to be healthy. I’ve eaten one everyday at lunch this week. The carrot batons are all kind of dry and stale too. The hummus is nice though. 

The picture makes me sad. I want to look like Mary Kate Olsen. Why have I scraped my hair back? I look like a worm with chicken feet for hands. 

hkjahdkjahdjkahdkadhakdhakjhdkjhjhhhhd hhshshjsjhjhdka hgjhahhsjjshhs shhhshshshhs a s  ak

^ I wrote this about two hours ago and I dunno what that’s all about ^ Musta leant on the keyboard. Or maybe that’s mermaid language. I’m pretty sure i’m part mythical beast. I was thinking a unicorn but i’m not a big fan of horses.

@goonandcroth at #LFW. #somersethouse #london #fashion

@goonandcroth at #LFW. #somersethouse #london #fashion