17.55pm. The sofa at work, Soho, London. 

I Slept in Cat Poo. 

I have given myself an hour to try
recount what the hell has happened in the past two weeks of my life. Deep
breath. One biscuit. Right, let’s rock this mother.

So last time I spoke to y’all, I was at
my Dad’s in Northern Ireland. I have to specify which Ireland because it’s

Some of you know or don’t know, that I’m
going to do some things with my life, but non-disclosure means I got to talk in
code, kay? Eg, I want to learn to kick box.

So, I met up with a famous kick-boxer a
few weeks back at Soho Theatre, called Ben. He gave me some advice about kick
boxing and I was like cool, can’t wait to kick box.

Since then, I’ve made some more kick
boxing contacts and I think it’s going swimmingly- kind of.

I went to the cinema with Gerry. Well, he
did meet me there with Gina, but then we had a coffee and left. Anyways, we
watched a short film by a bloke called Tom Beard. He’s kind of cool and the
movie was rather visceral and violent and had this actor guy in it that I like
from the MOVIE called ATONEMENT.

 After this, we went to the Grump club,
where we bumped in to Tom Beard and over my Negroni I yelled at him telling him
the movie was well good.

 After this, I slunk off home to the
Boogaloo, to be greeted by the Libertines because they were having a right
nightmare because Pete did a bunk. Then I slunk further off to my bed and slept
like a little caterpillar.

Hutch has a new thing. I dunno what she’s trying to achieve
but she comes into my room and pops up next to my head, normally around 3am
(the perfect time to be woken up to some bum in the face) and plonks her little
furry arse on my head. She does this weird ritual until I tickle her. It’s like
I reward my cat for giving me a lap dance.

Was meant to see Foxes at the Grump on Tues but couldn’t go
because we were PITCHING at WORK. We lost the pitch, boo hiss.

I had an eye test and turns out I’m blind. Hehe nah not
rreally, I do need glasses though (hence the gorgeous picture of me up yonder). SEVENTY QUID ARE YOU JOKING ME SPECSAVERS
apparently they don’t joke so I had to pay them. Just had a mental relapse and couldn’t spell
the word because. Kept spelling it bercause.


The picture above is Gina and I on Thursday night when we got home to Hutch’s poo all over my hot water bottle. Basically, I went to the Grump because I needed a drink after smacking my pitch up on Wednesday and befriended Bacon and Hix. Hix is now my new bestie and we went to dinner at Hix on Thurs, with some blokes from the Independent. Gina rocked up for some fish and chips, then we drank our body weight in cocktails then headed back to the Grump to grab Bacon. We lost bacon and I decided to go home so my body could get rest. We got locked out because I’m dumb, had to wake up Gerry (sorry Gerry) and that was Thursday I guess.


This is a picture of Hazel in what was one of the weirdest nights of my life.

So, Hix and I decided further dinnering would be a good idea, and this is when Hazel happened. After a few conversations with SOMEONE we all went to dinner again. And that is when the Serbians happened. We educated Hix about Tinder and then decided it would be nice if all of us when back to the Grump for some Negronis. We lost Hix but the Serbians stayed. Guinness decided Hazel was his new BFF, Hazel doesn’t remember though. NG turned up and thought we were BFFs, but realising his mistake, ran away. Luckily, Santana with dreads was there and she got in our cab. Are you following? To cut a long story short, Hazel and I stole The Wife then had brunch in Islington the next day. 

Quitting the gym because of the grump and kick boxing.

This week both parents are coming to London, but on
different days thank the lord.



I walked behind this bloke the whole way to  work. It made me laugh because it was raining cats and dogs and he was just like nah, fuck theeh rulez. 

Fish chowder from M&S is sublime, I wrote a poem about

Marks and Spencer fish chowder soup
So glad am I, to be in the loop
What a wonder, what a find
I’ll have a thousand bowls, if you don’t mind
And cheap! Oh so cheap my god
You could feed it to your cat or your dog

 I’ve stopped washing my hair so much.

 I want to start putting avocado under my eyes.


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