9pm. London.

I faked tanned my guitar.

I’m having a writing relapse- if you’re a proper saddo you
might have watched my ‘vlogs’. I’m not sure what to do with them. which I’m glad about because writing is hella more bohemian and makes me sound like I have a proper hobby.

They’re not
half as satisfying as writing, and they’re a proper ball ache to do-Talking of hobbies, my guitar has commited suicide- it’s so
bored of just sitting in my room not being played with, it’s put itself out of
tune. I didn’t know guitars could do this? Apparently so. I also only sadly
know this, not because I decided to have a little jam (I literally can’t play-
‘jam’ is such an exaggeration of my talents) because I dropped my fake tan mit
on it, and it slightly brushed the strings. It wasn’t pretty. Good thing my
guitar is already brown.

Last night I had a magnum, and a pizza, and a garlic bread
AND I watched Ant & Dec. I was just sitting there, thinking about which
sounds better- Jennifer Donnelly or Jennifer McPartlin. I decided I didn’t care
and that I love them both and that they can both have me if push comes to

I bought two pairs of trousers from Beyond Retro yesterday.
I was hungover/ still drunk and decided it was a good idea, plus the new hottie
that works there told me I looked nice. He looked like legolass, but I didn’t
tell him that. I think I might have been trying to show off a little bit by
flashing Da Cash, but I deffo had to transfer some money on my Barclays app
into my current account because I’m poor and legolass had a nice posh accent.  

I did some adland networking this week at an art exhibition
at a production company in Soho. There was a free bar. Who wants a high five,
Jenn does. Jenn would really like a high five.

I’ve been listening to heaps of Taylor Swift. I find her
quite empowering- her tunes are dope and she can’t dance for shit.

My left bottom cheek hurts. I think it’s from too much exercise
but I didn’t know there was muscle in your bottom. Unless your bottom is a
muscle. Is the bottom a muscle? Have I pulled my bottom? Can someone DM me pls.

So I got back into my bloggy swingy by writing drunken notes
to myself. It’s hilarious; you should try it some time. I did this in a few
posts back and I more or less went viral, by viral my friend Ren messaged me on
Facebook to tell me I was funny. Ahem.

“Mint and chese is soo good drunk Jenn doesn’t think about
this Jenn likes the lovely”

The lovely what?! God I’m mysterious, me-ow.  

Ah yes, I have a new friend. He’s like well good at
advertising innit, and he wrote this little paragraph about Spring, and it’s
fecking sick, so I thought I’d share:

Spring! wake up you lazy bugger. Teenager of seasons. Ignoring the alarm of
bird and bee and general sadness. Burying that sweet face under the damn grey
brown duvet of cloud and leaf.

Get up
and stir us with your reckless energy, warmth and charm. We’re ready to mow
your wild green hair, dodge your wasps, rip off our clothes and frolic with you
once more. Wake up Spring!

It’s great isn’t it? I want to steal this style of writing
and give it a go. This is literally off the top of my head… I’ll write about

Oi Monday, you slag, with your big saggy boobs, that are
shoved up like an old duvet, trying to pry our eyes away from Tuesday. We’re
only looking at you so much, so intently because you’re such an eyesore. Stop
throwing yourself at us, like some desperate, dirty old hag. You’ve had enough,
go home. Tuesday’s a right bit of stuff, let us have it.

Ermergerd I’m a bloody poet.

Ohhhh massive PS- buy Yeovalley yoghurt (if you’re not from
the UK, carry on with your lives, this is a British brand, get out of here!).
It’s all about supporting farms yaknow. Crowdfunding- an extra 30p to you, is a
big difference to them. And it’s nice. And is good. And I like it so you need
to like it too.

Another PS- the picture for this post is my ‘Plenty of Fish’
dating profile pic. Just kidding I have a boyfriend. I’m kidding again of
course I’m a proper loner, it’s just that I ate a bit of sea bass for dinner,
and it went off on the 1st Feb, so if I die tonight in my sleep,
that’s what did it. Night then.

tell yee- I’m gonna write a cookery book. I just decided. It’s going to be
about how to cook healthy dinners, with an unhealthy twist. I think it’s the
way forward. For example:

Salad with a Gravy Dressing.

Organic Lentil Soup, with a Blue Cheese Burger to Dip.

‘Don’t have organic bananas? No sweat, lard works just as

‘Has your almond butter all but gone? Calm yourself, just
use birthday cake.’

And so on, and so forth.


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