In the nuttiest if nutshells, Billy Piper and Doctor Who (Matt) came to the Boogaloo and me and Gee were all like, ‘Omg noway, that’s totally cool’ so we got drunk with them then went to a house party and ate everything (see pic no.1- this is post Rum, pre house party Doctor Who buffet.)
Yesterday I hung out with my Grandparents. They bought me an original painting of some Iris’, which is just lovely (I’ll put a picture up in the next post). Grandad fashioned a bag to carry it in out of plastic bags. Somebody I was chatting to on Tinder messaged me last night saying, ‘I think I saw you at Liverpool St.’ I WAS CARRYING A BAG MADE OF PLASTIC SAINSBURY’S BAGS.
I’ve decided to buy a fancy video camera and start making incredible movies. By incredible movies I mean I want to learn how to use a hand held camcorder.
Grandad said, ‘it’s not the big insects in Australia you want to look out for, it’s the tiny ones.’
Granny, ‘oh yes you must apply mosquito cream before you go to where there are mosquitos.’
Granny, ‘And bumblebees.’
Grandad, ‘Not like the ones in London.’
Granny, ‘Honey in London tastes like Coca Cola.’
Enter Jennifer, looking bemused and quizzical. Her eyebrow arched in an uncertain expression. She looks like Tim Minchen and Andy Warhol on crack due to the extremely windy airfield she had been subjected to all day. Bloated from eating a whole coffee cake.
Jennfier, ‘WHat do you mean?’
Granny, ‘The honey in London tastes like cocacola because it is sweet and the streets of London are littered with it so the beers think it’s pollen therefore the honey in London tastes like Coca Cola.’
The Vortex makes a humming noise and colours start to whirl, faster and faster until suddenly Jennifer is lifted and throw mercilessly into the abyss, her brain ricocheting off the walls and exploding everywhere.
My Granny also referred to the keys being tangled as, ‘oh no, the keys are having sex.’ God help me and cut off my ears.
She’s knitting me a waistcoat and it looks fantastic. Grandad made me a loaf of bread.
I’m worried about Gee. Last night she came a’trottin’ up the stairs with three buttered crackers (I literally dunno why she keeps doing this) so I suggested she have some toasted homemade Grandad bread instead.
Means you will be fed
And not have to eat crackers
Covered In Butter
Or something or other.
I’m a lyrical genius. I reckon one day when I’m famous everyone’ll be like, “Oh yeah Jenn, did you know she used to write poetry in this blog and it was like endearing and shit?’
So Sunday I went to Stow airshow. In pic no.2 I managed to climb into a tiny teeny cockpit and Grandad took the photo. I nearly got stuck and it was very embarrassing. In pic no.3, you can see some AMAZING vintage cars. There were some from 1914!! Which is just ridiculously beautiful. I don’t retain small, or indeed large amounts of knowledge ever, but Grandad did tell me lots of interesting things about how they were hand made and about to how to figure out the dates from the number plate. None of these facts I can relay to you now. I also learnt that ‘The Laughing Cow’ spreadable cheese all started when the French wanted a better way to get food to the front line in the 1st World War, so they branded each of the food trucks with animals. The dairy one got a cow, and an illustrator design a laughing cow because the German’s food delivery service was named Valkyries (Germanic mythology), which in French sounds like, ‘laughing cow’. And there was you thinking I was all dumb.
Picture no.5 is just funny. The real meaning is that they use a substance called dope to cover the material- canvas type stuff that goes on the wings of the old planes.
The world’s mental innit?
Tomorrow me Gee and Jeff are going to the theatre. Well Jeff’s in the play (12 Angry Men- go see it! It’s freaking amaze balls and full of crazy cats) then we’re all going out for drinks and food but definitely not hummus. I always thought hummus was spelt (spelled?) Humous. Maybe it is- there ain’t no red squiggly line that likes to plaque my writing and remind me how illiterate I am (I totally not illiterate it’s just my mac is american and i’m not so sometimes we fall out over things, like the word THROUGH AND COLOUR)
I bought a beanie on Amazon. Which still baffles me. ‘Don’t be a fool, you can only buy books on Amazon!’ Well turns out, Amazon thought, ‘you know what guys, people like crap like extra soft hats and paper lanterns and bulk BB gun pellets- let’s sell that.’
Just ate 5 day old chicken soup. Don’t be disgusted, be happy. Waste not want not.
Also, IF you have VINE because you COOL, follow goonandcroth. So far there’s one of me brushing my teeth and another saying goodnight to Gina. It’s extremely fascinating and I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone reading this immediately stopped everything to do this.
I’ll end on a poem.
I have nothing more to write about,
Nothing to say,
And nothing to shout.